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Welcome back again, my friends, to a brand-spanking, new and improved edition of Music for the Masses. Now, with 10% more girth!! So… did you enjoy the trip down memory lane last week? I sure did. You see, since I didn’t have to “waste” actual time writing a new column, I was able to coach my buddy Alec Baldwin on how to better communicate with his daughter. According to him, she’s a real handful. So you know what I says to him? Why I says “Look Alec… don’t take any more of her bullshit. Teach her who’s the boss. Teach her who her daddy is. You know what they say, Alec… spare the rod, spoil the child!” Boy, I can’t wait to catch up with him later this week and find out if he took my advice and how that conversation went! I’m guessing well!! If not, though, I’ll have to tell him how he can remind her of his love and keep her in line with wire hangers… or a rabbit-punch to the kidneys.

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Don’t make daddy angry… you wouldn’t like daddy when he’s angry.

But hey, enough about all that folks for we have a full stack of reviews to get to today. Up first, we check in with the brilliant new release from one of my all-time favorite bands, Rush. Afterwards, Double A checks in with the latest from Madlib and a freshman Liberal Arts major proffers an opinion on the latest from Good Charlotte.

Sound like fun? Well, you ungrateful little pigs, what do you say we find out?

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Artist: Rush

Album: Snakes and Arrows

Sounds Like: Another clinic in “musicianship” from “the masters” that won’t be heard by a fucking soul because a) most of you don’t live in Canada were “the Man” dictates that 40% of the radio/tv content be Canadian in origin and b) you more than likely think this is “your father’s music.” Silly fuck-tards.

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Anne Murray… Greatest American Hero… 8th Grade Shop Teacher.

I’m sure some of you may recall me saying that the greatest thing to come out of Canada was Anne Murray. Of course, I was just pulling your leg like Paul McCartney getting Heather Mills ready for a good, hard fucking. A complete and total joke, people! Although Anne Murray is highly regarded in Canada by the same people who have, in the past, “highly regarded” “comedian” Tom Greene and “singer” Corey Hart, she’s done nothing more for me outside of being a “chick” that bears an uncanny resemblance to my 8th grade shop teacher, Mr. Trodick (I swear on all that is holy that was his name). In fact, I haven’t verified this, but I am guessing that they are one in the same and that “she,” too, has only 2 fingers remaining on her left hand from a drunken dance with a table saw. One day, Mr. Murray… one day. We WILL learn the truth.

You see, if I had been being serious here, you would now know that the best things to come out of Canada are those tasty french fries, with a name that sounds a hell of a lot like “poon tang,” covered in brown gravy and chunks of what appears to be “FromUnda” cheese…

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Fresh from the fry cook’s butthole area to your mouth…

Quick digression and no-shit true story… the first time I ever had these things, at a Rush show in Toronto believe it or not, I thought the Canadians were playing a trick on me for all the crap I’ve written about them in these articles. “Oh, ha ha…” I thought. “Funny Canucks squirting chocolatey poo-juice on my french fries and adding your ‘taint pickings! Ha ha!” Of course, that didn’t stop me from putting those fried ‘taters in my mouth (DAMN YOU, ORAL FIXATION!!!!) and holy crap… I’m glad I did. Those fries are like crack (no pun intended)… covered in gravy… and “FromUnda” cheese.

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And the other most-bestest thing to come out of that godforsaken country to the nort’ is the progressive rock band, Rush. In fact, as I’m sitting here writing this, I have on my original “2112″ concert tee. Yeah… rocking it old school… dork style. Hey, fuck off… not like I’m getting ready to play D&D in mom’s basement after this. I live on my own, dammit. I have my own basement now.

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Now, to say that I was greatly looking forward to this new album, Snakes and Arrows, is an understatement akin to saying that R. Kelley only “kinda” likes to pee on people or Michael Jackson only “sorta” likes to wear young boys like class rings. See, as far as I’m concerned, May 1st, the date the new Rush album is released, should be a national holiday. In fact, I’m proposing it right now. May 1st, to me and hundreds of thousands of Rush fans around the world and mostly in Brazil will now be, at least, an official holiday. We’ll call it Rush-ashana…or Rush-mas…or, hell, I don’t know… Uno de Mayo? Whatever.

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And make no mistake, Rush fans and people that SHOULD be Rush fans, May 1st will be a day of great celebration for it will be filled with cake and porn (hey… it’s my fucking holiday, I’ll make the rules. K?) and some phenomenal new music for May 1st will be a day when this amazing trio unleashes it’s best album in over 20 years (read: since Power Windows, circa 1985). Yeah, Rush fans… you read that correctly. Bring it on, bitches. You want to dance? Oh, we can dance! We can dance.

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Good lord… I wish I was wearing THAT Rush shirt… with her still in it.

The reason I say this? Well, aside from the overall strength of all the tracks on this album in both melody and complexity, Snakes & Arrows is easily the best produced Rush disc in years. There is not a “Dog Years” on this mother fucker AND the mix doesn’t sound like it was done in the bottom of a Port-a Potty. Take a bow, Mr. Nick Raskulinecz of Foo Fighters fame. You done good, son. You done good. Nothing like hiring a Rush fan to mix a Rush album, eh, hosers?

Yes, unlike the last studio outing, the muddy and uneven Vapor Trails, Snakes & Arrows marks a return to form for this band in both production quality and musicality.

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You fiddlin’ with my knob?

With searing and crisp delivery and an accessibility that defies most Rush albums, EVERY track on this bitch is a winner. Sure, some tracks are more accessible than others to the casual listener, like the Oingo Boingo-esque, “The Larger Bowl” (just listen to that arpegiated chord progression during the verse… Boingo all the way, baby!), the country-fried, Alex-centrique instrumental, “Hope,” and, of course, the first, melodically driving single “Far Cry,” but dig deep and you hard core fans can be rewarded with songs like the ass-kicking, Geddy/Neil showcase of “Malignant Narcissism” and one of the strongest tracks this band has EVER recorded (and one of Neil’s personal favorites) “We Hold On.” Good shit, all around people. Seriously.

Quite simply, if you are a fan of Tool, Porcupine Tree or even Pink Floyd and have previously avoided Rush as being too “obtuse,” give them another chance. This is your disc. If you are a casual fan of the band, give in to temptation and reward yourself by checking out this entire disc. You won’t be disappointed. If you are not a fan of this band, well…fuck you. I hate you with the hate of a 1,000 Oprahs. You make my heart cry and my anus bleed. Keep pining for that new Linkin’ Park disc, “friend.” It’s coming soon and I’m sure that it will be COUGH brilliant.

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I bet…

If, for some reason, you are still not sold on checking this disc out, allow me to put it in the vernacular of my fellow Rush fans/D&D freaks… Rush may have -3 Charisma, but they are minstrels with +21 Dexterity and you would be forgoing the Chalice of Everlasting Orgasms if you miss this puppy. Know what I’m saying?

Now, if you’ll excuse me… I’m off to “roll the old 12-sided die”… if you catch my drift…