MusicBoxer.com

Howdy, friends! It’s me, M.C. Did you miss me? I sure missed all of you. In fact, I was missing you more than Lance Armstrong misses his left nut. Okay, maybe not THAT much, but I did miss you and unlike Lance’s nut and more like a raging case of “hooker herpes,” I came back. “Back from what,” you ask? Why, back from a spring break filled with wild, exotic adventures and super hot babes… assuming, of course, you substitute the terms “wild, exotic adventures” with “skiing” and “super hot babes” with “a Vaseline®-coated oven mit.” At any rate, I’m here and I’m dying to serve up another helping of Music for the Masses. This week, I check out the upcoming release from indie-fave and, because he knows Jenny Lewis, luckiest bastard alive, Bright Eyes and Double A falls in and out of love with the new one from Timbaland. Plus, R. Lee Ermey answers reader questions!! Sound like fun? Well, what do you say we find out?

Bright Eyes
Album: Cassadaga

Sounds like: That one dream you had where Jeff Tweedy was giving Neil Young a hand job in the dirty rest room of an Arby’s while Emerson, Lake and Palmer played softly in the background. Oh, come on now…don’t act like you don’t remember THAT dream.

Question for you…any of you ever been to Nebraska? I mean, on purpose and not just on a dare or because the ONLY chick that would take you into her mouth went to school there? No? Well, don’t feel bad…I try to avoid that Godforsaken place and I live right next to the mother fucker. But hey, from what I hear, Nebraska is a rockin’, kick ass kind of place. COUGH

For instance, did you know that Nebraska is the birthplace of Kool-Aid® and it’s chief exports are natural gas, guys named “Chet,” soybeans, religious intolerance, “fear of change” and “Corno?”

_{Yeah, baby… ride that thing ’til it pops…}

How about that the state flower is the Goldenrod and that the state motto is “Somebody Had To Eat It, Might As Well Have Been Dave?” No? Ever see a picture of Miss Nebraska?

Well, now you have.

Did you know that it’s against the law to sneeze, burp or fart in a Nebraska church? I shit you not. How about that they offer you the chance to have “The Beef State” emblazoned upon your “ILIKCOK” personalized license plate? Come on, now…I’m sure you’ve heard of their vaunted college football team, the Butt… I mean, Corn Huskers?

You hike it to me and I’ll take it deep to your tight end…

Okay… how about the fact that Nebraska is the 16th largest state (in terms of square mileage) and has a population of 1,711,263 (as of 2000) with 1,711,261 of those people being certifiably “retarded” (the other 2 were just passing through the state at the time of the census on their way to Dubuque, IA). Seriously. According to Wikipedia, the governor of the fucking state is Corky from “Life Goes On…”

“I pledge to make Snak-Pak’s® the State Food!! YAY!!”

And you all know that Wikipedia is NEVER wrong. But, perhaps the most important thing about Nebraska is that it is the birthplace of Connor Oberst, or, as you may know him, lead singer and “creative force extraordinaire” behind the band Bright Eyes.

Do not adjust your set… he really is built like a “bobble-head” doll.

Now, contrary to the implication in the name, Bright Eyes is actually a band that consists, primarily, of Mr. Oberst on guitar, multi-instrumentalist/huge-cocked, uber-stud Mike Mogis and trumpet player Nate Walcot. Throw in some other artists/occasional sheep fuckers from the local, Omaha music scene (Jake Bellows on guitar, Anton Patzner on bass, Rachel Blumberg on drums and Kelsey Guerra on piano) to round things out and you have the Bright Eyes line-up that has brought you the seventh kick ass new studio disc, Cassadaga. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the title of the disc refers to a community of “mediums” in Florida. Thought you’d like to know.

I can foresee your character “unearthing” a very large bone…

Now, for you fans keeping score at home, this album isn’t much of a departure from Bright Eye’s previous catalog and is right in line with his I’m Wide Awake/It’s Morning disc. A little “folksy,” a little “bluesy,” a little “rock-y” and a whole lotta good. Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fucking fix it. Know what I’m saying? Can you smell what I’m cooking? Of course, one thing I would have changed is Mr. Oberst’s, or as I like to call him, “Sparkle Tits,” penchant for starting off each disc with several minutes of random shit before actually getting to the music. Yeah…you can knock that shit off anytime now. Seriously, dude… I didn’t stea… I mean pick up this disc to hear some bullshit, transcendent artistic statement through interpretive noise. On the contrary, I picked it up to coax the co-ed living next to me with the dyed black hair, horned-rimmed glasses and blue and white stripped t-shirt to let me wear her like a feedbag.

The first “single,” if you can call it that because Sparkle Tits doesn’t release singles-he just makes songs “available to listen to,” “Four Winds,” with it’s blistering, anti-religious lyrics and simple melodies, proves out as one of the strongest tracks on the album. In fact, this is really all you need to gauge whether or not this disc is for you as the rest of the tracks follow suit. Long story short, if you dig that song, you’ll love this album more than Brad Delp loved to barbeque in the bathroom. If you hear the song and are instantly reminded of that obnoxious Poetry major that hung out at the coffee shop attracting all the chicks with his “emotion” and “wordiness” then. well, Linkin Park has a new one coming out soon so you better start saving up.

Is it me or does he kinda look like K.D. Lang?

Overall, this is a tight piece of work from when of the best songwriters working today and if you give it a chance, I’m confident you’ll dig it. However, if you want more proof, bop on over to www.myspace.com/brighteyes and check some of the tracks out for yourself. Personally, I really like the moody “No One Would Riot For Less” with the hot-sounding back up singers. They make my naughty bits tingle. In fact, they’re tingling so much, I’m going to go now and have lusty sex with my new, mail order, Nebraska bride…