MusicBoxer.com

For most people, the concert-going experience has been similar to this: You show up at the arena an hour early, park, buy an unsanctioned t-shirt from an unlicensed vendor, take your seat somewhere in row 36, section 208 and rock out with 20,000 of your closest friends to the slightly-delayed rock being pumped out of the 50-speaker PA system.

For some reason, there always seems to be the faint smell of piss looming. Of course, people try to cover that up by smoking some… weed, we believe the kids call it, but the piss stank never really goes away. That is, of course, unless you’re at a Barenaked Ladies show. At those shows, the stench of Polo and Eddie Bauer brand cologne is strong enough to choke… um, something that is not easily choked. Like maybe a Mule. Are mules easy to choke? Who knows? But then the question arises, what is better, piss or a fuck load of overpriced cologne?

Here we go digressing again.

At some point there are metal signs and/or lighters held high and at least 20 pseudo-fights on the way back to your car, where you wait for 45 minutes as everyone tries to leave at the exact same time from the exact same exit so they can get home before 11 PM.

But lately, with the increasing popularity of “indie” type artists, concerts are changing, going in new, crazy directions where the music is performed in front of hundreds, rather than thousands, and the venue is a club tucked in between a liquor store and a porn shop.

Well, actually, they aren’t really changing at all but rather the audience is changing. The cologne and piss people are starting to show up, and sometimes the transition doesn’t go very smoothly. There are several of us who have been going to these… clubs, we believe the kids call them, for years, some as far back as 1996. Remember 1996? Good year… no, strike that, great year.

We understand how frightening and intimidating this new environment can be to the unfamiliar. And since we know the rules and know the routine, we thought we would offer our readers a public service of sorts. We will share our knowledge with those in need of assistance, those planning a venture into this dark and twisted realm. We… we are here for you.

Don’t panic.

This is Aaron and Jeff’s (actually pretty much only Jeff, since Aaron doesn’t listen to this crap) tips on how to survive at an indie-rock club concert.

Before the bands take the stage:
Don’t get to the show too early, unless you don’t have tickets. People that get there early are dropped off by their parents. You don’t want to show up early because people will think you have nothing better to do (even though we all know you don’t). Stay outside and smoke until after the opening band is at least 2 songs into their set then slowly, acting extremely uninterested, work your way inside. Typically there are at least 2 opening bands. One will be good and the other will suck. Make sure you can differentiate between the two because after the show you will be required to discuss at length the ways the opening band that sucked, sucked. There will be no mention of the opening band that was good until they are a headliner.

As mentioned in the previous tip, smoke. Even if you don’t. Nothing says “indie suave and sophisticate” like smoking. And don’t be a poser and smoke one cigarette. You must smoke continuously through the evening, even when the bands are playing. Smoking makes you cool.

How to look:
This is where it gets tricky, and some prep work will need to be done. Homework if you will. Essentially the wardrobe should consist of jeans and a t-shirt – the jeans, of course, unwashed in at least 3 months, and the t-shirt doesn’t actually need to fit. The hard part is the t-shirt.

There are 2 ways to go about this. One, wear a t-shirt featuring the logo of a) a scout camp, b) a Salvation Army shirt from some company long since gone under, or c) a pop- culture reference. The latter is a little risky as these types of t-shirts have become more and more popular with the “mainstream” crowd, the popular kids everyone at these shows despises but secretly wishes they were. Only wear one of these in case of absolute necessity. Second (and definitely the more impressive), wear the t-shirt from another, more obscure band within the same general style of the band you are seeing. If possible, wear the t-shirt of the band a member of the current evening’s band used to be in (examples: wear a Jawbreaker shirt to a Jets To Brazil show, or a Further Seems Forever shirt to a Dashboard Confessional show). A complete list of a band’s family tree can be provided by any local record store employee… or you can email us, and we’ll tell you.

The basic hygiene theme here is dirty. Not durty, just dirty. Don’t comb your hair and if you are a girl just pull your hair back into two, Pippy-Long-Stocking-type ponytails. Black horned-rimmed glasses are suggested, but not mandatory, and sweaters are always a good accessory – even in Phoenix. Also, for men, true indie-rock fans can’t grow facial hair. If you can grow facial hair, get your face waxed so it looks like you can’t. Any sign of stubble shows you have mainstream tendencies

Conversation:
Every single conversation had within the club should begin with “Hey, have you ever heard of (insert obscure band name)?” Especially if you are just meeting the other person for the first time. If the person answers with a “No,” then proceed to tell him how amazing the band is, and that you can’t believe the other person hasn’t heard of them yet. Make sure to convey your disgust and contempt through your expressions and tone of voice. If by some chance they say “Yes,” then immediately think of an even more obscure band and ask again. If you are unable to come up with another band, make one up. Keep this up until you name a band the other person has never heard of.

Talk about the band member’s as though you are either family or a very close friend. Drop as many personal nuggets about each band member as you possibly can, letting the other person know just how much you know and how big of a fan you are. If you don’t happen to know anything about the band members’ personal lives, make something up. If you are questioned about your statement, reply simply “what, you didn’t know?”

During the show:
Don’t move. Don’t move, except to smoke – and we just can’t emphasize this enough – smoke a lot. Head bobbing is OK but make sure to make it as subtle as possible. If you dance you will be discovered and kicked out of the club, so don’t dance. Unless you are drunk, high and gay, then if you dance, people will think you are funny and immediately try to be your friend.

After the show (keeping up with the indie-crowd):
Now that about wraps it all up for the actual concert. After the show, you may want to devote more time and energy into this whole indie-rock scene. If that is the case, there are a few more things you need to know. We will break these down as simply as possible:

1. The album right before the most recent album is always the best.
2. Radio and MTV are evil, and ANY band featured on either is a sellout.
3. Get used to the word “sellout” and use it often.
4. Openly mock and criticize both www.makeoutclub.com and www.buddyhead.com but read and participate on both sites daily.
5. Be over-accepting of non-mainstream ideas, beliefs and fashion and refer to the mainstream as close-minded and oppressing. But, at the same time, be completely close-minded to those mainstream ideas and beliefs.
6. Spend A LOT, we repeat, A LOT of time on bands’ internet message boards.
7. Once a “popular” person talks about how much he likes a band, you can no longer like that band.
8. Buy vinyl even though you don’t own (and have never even seen) a record player.
9. Make at least 1 mixed-CD a week for a friend.
10. Read The Scoop.

There you have it. Of course we are aware that you may have more questions than we had room to address. If that is the case then email us at indierocksupport@the-scoop-news.com and we will do our best to help. Also, make sure to sign up for our mailing list as Aaron will break down rules for white kids at rap shows.