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You guys! Asshole news alerts! It’s been a while since we’ve updated the status of these assholes – even though I hate these assholes for being such enormous assholes that it actually pains me to write about them – but I felt it necessary to talk about these assholes as they are in the news.

Asshole number one is R. Kelly. You’ll remember R. Kelly from his videotapes where he pees on and sexes underage girls. You guys! This asshole has a new album coming out in December. On the album R. Kelly will probably still not admit that he is an asshole for sexing and peeing on an underage girl so I’ll just remind everyone for him.

R. Kelly is an asshole.

Asshole numero dos is Chris Brown. You’ll remember Chris Brown from his “trial” where he got off with little more than a slap on the wrist for beating the holy shit out of his girlfriend, putting her in the hospital. You guys! This asshole is going on tour (how is this asshole allowed to leave the state he lives in after beating the holy shit out of his girlfriend?) and he has the audacity to call the tour his “fan appreciation tour.” A couple things here. If you are still a fan of this asshole than you too are an asshole. Secondly, what the fuck you guys? This asshole is thanking his fans for sticking by him after he beat the holy shit out of his girlfriend? This asshole’s tour should be called “Chris Brown, live from Detention Block D – The Please Stop Raping My Butthole Tour.”

Chris Brown is a huge fucking asshole.

You guys. We all have to remind people that these guys are assholes because we don’t want people to forget that they are assholes. So let’s make t-shirts that say “assholes” with pictures of these two assholes. Then we can wear the asshole shirts to work and try to explain that the shirts really aren’t offensive (and are work appropriate!) since these two guys really are assholes.