Jesus, you guys. What a week it’s been! Am I right? The fact that any of us are still standing is a darn miracle. If the NRA was President and we all had our mandatory, state-issued guns on our hips then we would have blown our heads off by now – that’s how bad it’s been.

Why? Why so doom and gloom this week? That answer is found in the tweets, posts, and interviews announcing the demise to our generation’s Fleetwood Mac. I of course am talking about Fall Out Boy breaking up.

God damn it, you guys. I can barely type that without getting teared up.

Everyone in the band (Fall Out Boy – not Fleetwood Mac) has announced in some way or another that the band is done. Kaput. Dead. Over. No more. Just like everyone else in the entire world (and probably universe because our radio waves go out into space – I’ve seen Star Trek!) I’m finding it hard to wake up in the mornings now. Why bother waking up? Who wants to wake up to a world where we won’t hear that one song that Fall Out Boy sang that you thought was that other band that sounded just like them? I don’t. Well I guess I technically do but I’m not happy about it.

I don’t know how we’ll do it but I guess we will have to get by. I suggest we start a candlelight vigil every Thursday night until the band members realize that individually they are 4 separate, dumb asshats but together they are one big dumb asshat and reunite.

Dear Jesus, please make Fall Out Boy get back together soon – for the kids.

You guys! You have to check out this new guitarist! He’s freaking amazing! Seriously, you guys! His name is Jimi Hendrix and he doesn’t just play the guitar – he makes love to it. Literally, you guys. After listening to his new song I can tell that this guy is gonna be big. Huge! He may someday be the best guitar player to ever have been a guitar player. Unless he dies or something (what? too soon?).

If you guys want to hear some amazing guitar ripping (is that the right word? I’m not a guitar player so I don’t know), then go to this site and listen to Jimi’s new song “Valleys of Neptune.” http://www.spinner.com/2010/01/28/jimi-hendrix-valleys-of-neptune-song-premiere/

I don’t know about that song title though. It kinda sounds hippy to me and hippies are stupid.

But look at that picture you guys! Je-sus! That afro is a thing of magnificence. I want to marry that afro. I want to have little afro babies with that afro and raise them all to be famous guitar players.

You guys, I say we support this guy to make sure he keeps making music forever.

You guys! I’m back! And it only took a little (read: huge) guilt trip from my boss here at Music Boxer! But whatevs. This isn’t about me. This is about Katy Perry.

OMG, you guys! Katy Parry and some British wanker that thinks he’s funny (when he so clearly isn’t) are getting married for some reason! Surely you’ve heard about this because it’s the only non-death related celebrity news we’ve had in – like, forever. It’s literally been forever since we have heard about something other than some celebrity taking too many (prescription?) pills and landing face down on their really expensive shag carpet. So hooray for no death news today but boo for someone marrying Katy Perry. But whatever. We can’t get our first divorce without getting married first – that’s what I always say. But seriously you guys, Russell Brand? The guy was funny for about 5 minutes in that movie he was in (Forgetting Something-or-other) and has been a complete disaster as host of the MTV Whatever-We-Don’t-Care-Anymore awards.

You guys. None of this matters though because we should all go live on Pandora – where everything is perfect and wonderful – except the asshole humans. We can get ready for the move to Pandora by painting our faces like my friend here.

You guys! For serial. We can do this. If we paint our faces and pray to the big tree hard enough we can go to Pandora – where we will never, ever care about some dumb skank with very little talent and the dumb British wanker she is marrying.

You guys! Lilith Fair is coming back next year! Isn’t that great? Yay! Now we can all get in our cutest sun-dresses and pretend like we like Indigo Girls and know who Donna Delory is! You know, because we are all women and this is OUR tour! No dicks allowed! Literally AND figuratively.

Except that there are dicks allowed. Seriously, you guys. Lilith Fair is all about the woman’s experience and segregating women from men to show that we can rock just as softly and emotionally as the boys can! But next year Lilith Fair is letting in bands that have men in them.

I. Know.

You guys! This isn’t right. We need to stand up for women’s right to choose a womans only concert series where we can be free to be women without having to look at some guy playing drums (or whatever men do in bands!).

In addition to the ol’ standbys (like the Indigo Girls, Sarah McLachlan, Sheryl Crow and Erykah Badu) Lilith Fair will have bands like Metric, Sugarland and Chairlift – all of which clearly have men in them. Unacceptable.

In case you want to see the bands for yourself and see the tour dates (for yourself!) you can go to the official Lilith website: http://www.lilithfair.com/

You guys. Let’s all promise each other that if we happen to see one of the bands with a guy in it, we won’t look at him. No matter how cute he is or how scruffy and lost-puppy he may look! These are our concerts you guys and the only men that should be there are the ones we drag there because we don’t want to go alone.

You guys!!! OMG! Where the hell have I been? I’ve been not updating this website is where I’ve been. I was probably doing something amazing. I was not not doing something amazing.

But let’s talk about Aerosmith for a moment. W.T.F.? Seriously you guys! Get it together. Not you guys. The Aerosmith guys. Aerosmith needs to get it together. Yesterday I read here on MusicBoxer that Aerosmith is breaking up. And now this morning I read EVERYWHERE that they are not breaking up and then just a moment ago I saw that they might be breaking up but no one really knows for sure because they have a lot of “issues” to work out.

You guys! Aerosmith! Get it together. Don’t waste our time. We have a lot of other things we can be doing other than sitting here worried about whether or not you guys are together or not. Take a team building trip up to Rochester or somewhere and all stay in the same cabin doing trust exercises (or whatever it is you do on team building exercises) and let us all know when you’ve got your shit figured out.

Oh! And one last thing you guys. Aerosmith. Tell us directly and not through gossip columns. Gossip columns are sooooo 2009!!!

You guys! Johnny Depp plays guitar. Is there anything this man can’t do? Other than prevent River Phoenix from killing himself? Ouch! What? Too soon?

But this is serious, you guys. If Johnny Depp can play guitar, that means that no woman is safe. None. We will all succumb to Johnny Depp’s manness.

You guys! Johnny Depp will be performing with some band (that’s name isn’t important because you’ve never heard of them) in some other country that isn’t here in the US. Probably England. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Johnny Depp plays guitar. You guys!

Here’s the link to the story: http://www.nme.com/news/baby-bird/48072

Sorry every single other guy who is not Johnny Depp. It was nice pretending to like you. But now we don’t have to pretend because Johnny Depp can play guitar.

You guys! Asshole news alerts! It’s been a while since we’ve updated the status of these assholes – even though I hate these assholes for being such enormous assholes that it actually pains me to write about them – but I felt it necessary to talk about these assholes as they are in the news.

Asshole number one is R. Kelly. You’ll remember R. Kelly from his videotapes where he pees on and sexes underage girls. You guys! This asshole has a new album coming out in December. On the album R. Kelly will probably still not admit that he is an asshole for sexing and peeing on an underage girl so I’ll just remind everyone for him.

R. Kelly is an asshole.

Asshole numero dos is Chris Brown. You’ll remember Chris Brown from his “trial” where he got off with little more than a slap on the wrist for beating the holy shit out of his girlfriend, putting her in the hospital. You guys! This asshole is going on tour (how is this asshole allowed to leave the state he lives in after beating the holy shit out of his girlfriend?) and he has the audacity to call the tour his “fan appreciation tour.” A couple things here. If you are still a fan of this asshole than you too are an asshole. Secondly, what the fuck you guys? This asshole is thanking his fans for sticking by him after he beat the holy shit out of his girlfriend? This asshole’s tour should be called “Chris Brown, live from Detention Block D – The Please Stop Raping My Butthole Tour.”

Chris Brown is a huge fucking asshole.

You guys. We all have to remind people that these guys are assholes because we don’t want people to forget that they are assholes. So let’s make t-shirts that say “assholes” with pictures of these two assholes. Then we can wear the asshole shirts to work and try to explain that the shirts really aren’t offensive (and are work appropriate!) since these two guys really are assholes.

You guys! John Mayer has a new video! Get ready to cream your jeans girls! (What ever that means)

Where have you been John Mayer? Surely it can’t take that long to record a new album. Well, maybe it does since you’ve have to devote so much time to getting tattoos (see photo above) and humpin’ and dumpin’ Jennifer Aniston.

Here is the video for “Who Says”:

You guys! This is exactly what this world needs at this very moment! We all need more cream in our jeans (I still don’t know what that means) courtesy of John Mayer.

I want to party with John Mayer.

You guys! It’s 2001 all over again! Kind of. Well – not really. But Outkast is back! Kind of. Well – not really. Half of Outkast is back! Yay! Let’s here it for Big Boi.

Big Boi (the less weird half of Outkast) has released a new single. Do you want to hear it? Of course you do, you guys!

Go here to have yourself that listen: http://smokingsection.uproxx.com/TSS/2009/09/big-boi-feat-george-clinton-and-too-hort-for-your-sorrows

It’s so just like 2001 you guys! Except for all the really horrible stuff that happened. Like “Freddy Got Fingered.” No one needs to relive that.

You guys! You all have to make me a promise right now. I’m not kidding you guys. You all have to promise me that you will not make out with the Backstreet Boys if they come to your town. I know how bad you want to! I do. But you can’t make out with a Backstreet Boy – you’ll totally get swine flu all over yourself if you do.

You guys – one of the Backstreet Boys has the swine flu. This is really, really serious.

According to Rolling Stone Brian Litrell (is that the cute one or the sassy one? I can’t remember) has the swine flu which in turn has forced the Boys to cancel a couple of shows.

God damn swine flu!

I suggest everyone stay inside and make out with their pillows instead. Do what I do and just cut out a picture of your favorite Backstreet Boy and glue it to the pillow case and go to town all over it. You won’t get swine flu that way. And you won’t have to wait in line (for a Backstreet boy or at the free clinic) either.