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OMG you guys!!! Shit is about to get REAL. Like, really real! Shit is about to get so real that our world is never going to be the same – that’s how real shit is about to get. We are all going to need popcorn too! You guys! MIA and Lady Gaga are feuding! Holy. Shit.

It all started with an article in NME where MIA says Lady Gaga is ripping her off! Wait. What? Ok. Sure. Even if that were true so what? The whole music industry is built upon stealing other people stuff. MIA stole her stuff from Boy George. Probably. I don’t know. I don’t listen to MIA. But I’m sure she stole her stuff from someone and it was probably someone cool like Boy George. But the point is that everyone steals everything.

But now that MIA is out of the closet with her hatin’ on Lady Gaga, a bunch of other people are jumping on the bandwagon. in fact flavorpill.com has a whole list of people that are hatin’ on Lady Gaga. Go here to see it: http://flavorwire.com/85219/the-top-10-celebrities-who-hate-lady-gaga

And where is Lady Gaga during all this? Who knows? She’s probably out making music or making videos with a ton of product placement in them that make no sense. Or maybe she is in her bedroom crying because all she is trying to do is entertain people and make a little scratch so she can feed her family that she is planning on having one day when she has time to adopt seventeen children from various impoverished nations.

You guys. We need to spread love around this crazy world of ours – not hatin’ on. Hatin’ on things is super easy but love is hard. Everybody says so. Even Parez Hilton says that and he is an asshole. Probably. And I mean he probably says that – not that he is an asshole probably. We know he is an asshole and I am presuming that he says love is hard.

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STOP THE PRESSES!!!! You. Guys. You are seriously not going to believe what I have to tell you right now. You guys had better sit down because once I tell you what I am going to tell you you’re gonna pass out from shock and if you are standing you’ll totally hit your head and probably die because this news is so freakin earth shattering that you won’t be able to not pass out from shock! Get ready to shit a brick (ew!!!) because news like this only comes once in a lifetime.

You guys. Are you sitting? Seriously – sit down. Ok, now that we are all sitting I can tell you. Press 9 and 1 on your phones so you are ready for when you pass out and hit your head. Ready?

Ricky Martin is gay.

I. KNOW!

God damn it ladies – there goes another one. I for sure thought Ricky martin was straight. Look at that picture and tell me he looks gay! Who saw this coming? Who? No one, that’s who. Except maybe everyone but what do they know? Nothing. Everyone knows nothing. But now Ricky Martin has come out of the armario (my internet tells me that is spanish for closet) and so everyone knows what everyone knew like 10 years ago.

You guys we need to find another guy that isn’t gay to obsess about now. I nominate that cute guy from “How I Me Your Mother.” You know which one I’m talking about right ladies? This guy:

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You guys! I know! It’s been like, forever! A girl’s got to keep things mysterious.

Did you guys see that Billy Corgan is holding open auditions for a new Smashing Pumpkins bass player? I’m serious you guys. Look: http://www.smashingpumpkins.com/pressrelease.php

Is this real life? What happened to Billy Corgan and the Smashing Pumpkins? I bet it’s the Jesus thing. If it isn’t the Jesus thing than I’m sure the Jesus thing isn’t helping. Seriously you guys. Ten years ago Billy wouldn’t have had to do this. Ten years ago there would be 10,000 people that would give their left nut (gross!) to be in Smashing Pumpkins and would let Billy know that they would give their left nut (GROSS!) to be in Smashing Pumpkins every day. But now, in 2010 – 10 years after the Smashing Pumpkins should have stayed broken (broke? Broked? Brokened?) up – there isn’t anyone on deck? No one has told Billy “hey guy, let me know if there is ever an opening and I’ll jump on that shit”? In 2010 Billy has to have an “open” audition because he doesn’t know anyone that wants to be in his band.

Billy, guy, seriously, get your shit together. I don’t know what shit of yours is all whacked out but guy, get it back together. The songs you are releasing are really kinda just blah and you don’t have anyone that likes you enough to play bass in your band. Someone call Dr. Drew because Billy needs to go to butthole rehab. Not rehab for his butthole – I mean rehab for being a butthole. I just want to make sure everyone reads that right – one is sad and the other is wrong.

And bass? Bass? You guys! A 10 year old with narcolepsy could play bass for Smashing Pumpkins. Listen to those songs and tell me that you, not knowing anything about bass playing couldn’t play bass on those songs.

Billy, seriously. We are all really, really worried about you. We need you to have your shit together or we need to not care about whether or not you have your shit together.

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Jesus, you guys. What a week it’s been! Am I right? The fact that any of us are still standing is a darn miracle. If the NRA was President and we all had our mandatory, state-issued guns on our hips then we would have blown our heads off by now – that’s how bad it’s been.

Why? Why so doom and gloom this week? That answer is found in the tweets, posts, and interviews announcing the demise to our generation’s Fleetwood Mac. I of course am talking about Fall Out Boy breaking up.

God damn it, you guys. I can barely type that without getting teared up.

Everyone in the band (Fall Out Boy – not Fleetwood Mac) has announced in some way or another that the band is done. Kaput. Dead. Over. No more. Just like everyone else in the entire world (and probably universe because our radio waves go out into space – I’ve seen Star Trek!) I’m finding it hard to wake up in the mornings now. Why bother waking up? Who wants to wake up to a world where we won’t hear that one song that Fall Out Boy sang that you thought was that other band that sounded just like them? I don’t. Well I guess I technically do but I’m not happy about it.

I don’t know how we’ll do it but I guess we will have to get by. I suggest we start a candlelight vigil every Thursday night until the band members realize that individually they are 4 separate, dumb asshats but together they are one big dumb asshat and reunite.

Dear Jesus, please make Fall Out Boy get back together soon – for the kids.

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You guys! You have to check out this new guitarist! He’s freaking amazing! Seriously, you guys! His name is Jimi Hendrix and he doesn’t just play the guitar – he makes love to it. Literally, you guys. After listening to his new song I can tell that this guy is gonna be big. Huge! He may someday be the best guitar player to ever have been a guitar player. Unless he dies or something (what? too soon?).

If you guys want to hear some amazing guitar ripping (is that the right word? I’m not a guitar player so I don’t know), then go to this site and listen to Jimi’s new song “Valleys of Neptune.” http://www.spinner.com/2010/01/28/jimi-hendrix-valleys-of-neptune-song-premiere/

I don’t know about that song title though. It kinda sounds hippy to me and hippies are stupid.

But look at that picture you guys! Je-sus! That afro is a thing of magnificence. I want to marry that afro. I want to have little afro babies with that afro and raise them all to be famous guitar players.

You guys, I say we support this guy to make sure he keeps making music forever.

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